December 26, 2008

Christmas Eve 2008

Dear Family & Friends,

Today David went in for another Thoracentesis, which is the formal term for the draining procedure. The doctor had also ordered a blood transfusion, but his numbers were still in the safe zone, so thankfully a transfusion wasn't needed.

There were approximately two liters of fluid in his chest cavity, crushing his right lung. Due to the lung being decompressed for so long, as the fluid was being drained it was so painful that the procedure was stopped. It was all I could do to watch David in that much pain, and at first I wanted to push the doctor out of the way, and pull the needle out of his back myself, but obviously that wouldn't be smart, and was my immediate gut reaction to seeing such pain on my husband's face.

However......I kept telling the doctor to stop, because David was looking at me like, 'make it stop!' Finally, the doctor believed me, and pulled the catheter out of his back. I have requested that the OTHER doctor do David's procedures from here on out; I won't let that guy touch David again! So, one liter was all we could successfully drain, leaving over another one in his chest. I immediately called David's oncologist, requesting an appointment for Monday. Due to the cancer that is also in the lung, this is quite normal (unfortunately), and if we don't have the procedure done soon enough, David's lung can collapse.

He is in a lot of pain, drifting in and out, and moaning, which is so not like David. Of course, nothing he does, is 'like David' anymore. We are at a point in the journey where our worlds are becoming separated; David's mind is consumed with his pain, comfort, and sleep, while mine is consumed with making sure that he is taken care of, comfortable and as happy as he can be.

Today is the first time I experienced that kind of pain on David's face, and in his eyes. When the tears finally started rolling down his cheeks, it was all I could do to keep mine in check. Being 'strong' for your spouse when they're in that kind of pain is one of the most challenging tasks ever. God never leaves our side, even through these horrifying moments; I'm a witness to that fact, because I could never do this on my own...

I would like to thank Sean Rierson, a very kind, caring man (and friend) for driving us to Evergreen Hospital today, AND driving all the way back to pick us up! The hospital is not close to our home anymore, so Sean's act of kindness was very much appreciated.

There are some good, loving, caring people in this world, and we happen to have many of them right here, as our neighbors and friends! How truly blessed we are.

Thank you to Ryan Rasar for shoveling our driveway AGAIN! Also another kind and caring man.

And last but not least, thank you to the MANY who dropped off surprises on our doorstep for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day! Thank you Dave Riffe for bringing Kristin's DELICIOUS cookies and candy, and for taking the time to visit with us on Christmas Eve! Bruce & Joan Lavers for dropping off a beautiful candle! The Jonas' for the lovely white Poinsettia! And then there were some gifts that were left without names.

Thank you ALL from the bottom of our hearts,
for your rare, loving kindness!

With Love,
Linda

Seek First The Kingdom Of God

Trip To The Hospital

December 19, 2008

Here we are waiting for David's appointment at Evergreen Hospital. I take every chance I can to get a picture with him, as I never know when the time will come when photo ops are not an option.

The doctor drained over 2 liters this time, and said that this condition could continue to happen every few days, or so! :( Last night David was in a LOT of pain, which scared me; we haven't experienced that before. I was praying over him, and we were both in tears. I called Michelle, and she FLEW over here to spend the night with us. We thank God for our daughter's love and support.

After David took some pain pills, he was better. All three of us watched a movie to keep our minds occupied; Meet The Parents, which of course, is a funny movie, and medicine we all needed for sure.

The edema in David's feet continues to worsen, and he pretty much stays in his recliner for the most part.

At this point, I feel like I'm having an 'out of body' experience, as it has gone past a painful and surreal feeling to one that is scary, heart-wrenching and numbing...

As always, thank you all for your constant outpouring of love, support and prayers.

With Much Love,
Linda

P.S. We don't know which ANGEL to thank for shoveling the entire driveway and walkway! Thank you very much!

AND... a HUGE thank you to our friends, Sean Rierson for taking us to Evergreen Hospital yesterday, and to Dawn-Marie for picking us up in their 'snow rigs!'

The Winter Of Our Life

Our Dearest Family & Friends,

So many days I wish that it was the beginning of Spring or Summer, because the days are already hard and cold when your loved one is terminally ill. The promise of Spring.... seeing fresh sprigs, new buds peaking out, and flowers blooming; or the sun beating on our faces, is what my heart is desperately longing for. However, the deep winter freeze is more a reflection of our life, and so it somehow seems appropriate that this is the season in which we are living...

Our neighborhood gets completely dumped on when it snows; a beautiful winter wonderland for sure, however when one needs to leave it makes you feel trapped and claustrophobic! David could barely breathe yesterday, so a trip to the hospital was in order. Thank God for an Angel (Dawn Marie), who drove us to Evergreen hospital, and then later picked us up; such a loving act of kindness. We were at the hospital most of the day, which was very hard on David.

David's breathing was quite labored, and he could only take very short breaths. The ultrasound showed that he had fluid in and around his lungs, which needed to be drained. The doctor inserted a very large needle with a catheter into David's back and drained 1.5 liters of fluid!!! As I saw the large bottle fill with bright red fluid, it was all I could do to stand there and hold on tight to my husband, as he sat there, looking so pathetic and helpless on the gurney. They pulled the filled bottle just in time to slip another one in, which they removed at the .5 mark, leaving .5 still in his chest so that his lung wouldn't collapse.

The doctor said that David would probably be back in a 2-3 days, due to what he saw.

Sadly...today David's breathing is becoming labored again, as it is filling back up. So, we will probably be going to the hospital by Monday. I just pray that each time they do this procedure, that there will be no infections, and that the lung doesn't collapse, or any other complications.

Each week David's condition is worsening; and with that, my body and heart are feeling completely broken. My strength, my comfort, and my peace rests in God's Hands, as I am too weak and too sad on this part of the journey to carry myself...

Thank you ALL again, for your very kind words, support, and amazing acts of kindness and love, for which we are truly grateful.

With Love,
Linda

Darkest Part Of The Valley

Sitting an Open House Together on Sunday
December 7, 2008

My sweet husband has always sat Open Houses with me, since I've been in the real estate business. He goes as my security guy, but we enjoy the three hours we spend together on those particular Sundays! This new listing is in our neighborhood, so it's 2 minutes from our house, and it's also for our friends, so the atmosphere is quite comfortable for David.

Speaking of David's comfort, here is the latest news. The cancer in his hip is causing him a considerable amount of pain. He has been on steroids, which helped in the beginning, but are no longer effective, so we're reconsidering the radiation treatment for the cancer in his hip.

The edema in David's feet was quite bad yesterday, so I took him to the doctor today. That's to be expected when the blood clot on the portal vein is as bad as it is. I asked her to tell us EXACTLY what the blood clot and the tumor in David's liver looked like, so she drew us a graphic picture that was quite horrifying; I will never forget it, and makes me cherish every single minute of every single day with him, even more...

As much hope as I have for a MIRACLE still, the real side of me sees just how far his cancer has advanced, AND.... how quickly. I've scoured medical abstracts, journals, articles, and everything I can get my hands on; every night until 2 and 3 in the morning. Everything I read gives a grim report for this monstrous disease. Once it's at this stage, a person has 3-6 months, and December 26th is our 3rd month, so I cannot even begin to express my fear, anxiety, pain, and dread of knowing that any time, from here on out, the presence of my husband can be taken like a thief in the night, which is the most scary thing I ever imagined.

God's amazing Grace continues to carry us through this valley...

David is putting up a good fight. I am working hard to do all I can to keep him happy, healthy, comfortable, and living as long as possible.

We did meet with Hospice this week, in our home, which was very, very hard. We didn't sign up with them, because David wasn't ready, and I can't say that I blame him, because that is probably one of the most impossible contracts to sign; knowing that it's your 'end of life' care! We are still fighting this ugly disease, but we do want to have everything in place for when he does turn that corner (the dreadful day that we don't look forward to). We will have David at home to the very end, as that is where he wants to be.

I pray for comfort and peace for David, every day, and I also pray for continued strength as we begin walking through the darkest part of the valley, because knowing how hard the days have been to this point, I sense that every day from here on out will be harder still. When it comes to loving and protecting my family, I'm a strong fighter; so I am preparing for the battle of my life, by supporting him through his pain, and by loving him as he leaves this world wrapped up in my arms.

Thank you all (every single one of you) for keeping us in your prayers, and for continuing to walk along side us.

With Love,
Linda

Christmas 2008

David's Tree!

Instead of going through the dozens of boxes from Christmas past, and spending the time and energy it takes to decorate for a few days, we decided to buy a small tree, and have David pick exactly what he wanted.

Well...this year's tree is quite special, because David chose everything! I watched him pick the color theme, the ornaments, garland and lights. He did a great job! While he was so precious to watch, my heart was aching, knowing that HE knew this was his last Christmas tree, and he was choosing what he wanted to see on it.

Tears streamed down our faces as he placed everything carefully and lovingly in the basket. Finding the proper top was the hardest part of his mission, because most of them were way too big for the size tree we were getting, so he finally found a tiny one that looks just perfect!

The last thing he chose were the cinnamon pine cones, which add quite a nice touch to the tree. When David was completely done, I asked if we could add a couple of pieces that he agreed, completed the tree! Three silver 'written' ornaments: 2008, a D and an L!

Today was a very hard day for us, but we were strong for each other, and would only allow a few tears here and there while we were out. After we decorated the tree, and sat there on the couch to admire it, he told me what a great day he had, thanked me for the delicious dinner, told me he loved me, and then.....the tears began.

We are both very aware of what little time we have remaining, and we are both holding on to every moment, every smile, every word, EVERYTHING! This journey is hard, and this journey is extremely painful. One reason it's so painful is because we are so much in love, and have been close, BEST friends for 30 years.

• That's a long time to wake up every morning, and LOVE the one you're with.
• That's a long time to say good-night every evening, and look forward to seeing them by your side the the next morning.
• That's a long time to look forward to our 'date nights' every night of the year!!!
• That's a long time to spend with one person whom you always want to be with, rather than anyone else in the world.
• That's a long time to know that person is there, in your corner, cheering you on no matter what!
• That's a long time to know that person is there to protect you from anything or anyone, always!
• That's a long time to be by each other's side through sickness or health, on mountain tops, or in valleys.
• That's a long time to share everything!

That's a long time to love and be loved!!!

How truly blessed we have been, for a very long time. I am so thankful for the love we have shared. And even though I will once again, be forever changed by losing the LOVE OF MY LIFE, I will carry in my heart, a LOVE that will last me a lifetime. I will not be bitter, and I will not let grief destroy me, because David would not want that. He will want me to continue to be the best Linda I can be, whether he is by my side, or cheering me on from Heaven!

I love you, my Dearest, most Precious Husband.
Thank you for loving me, and giving me the best years of your life!

2008 D & L................................Bears In Tree!

~ Seek First The Kingdom Of God ~