Sharing My Heart

What Would You Have Me Do, Lord?

Today was a very hard day for me. Not like any of them are easy, but today was especially hard because Nani (Sister of My Heart), went home to Minnesota. Thank you precious friend for being here with me for an entire month, and for walking with us through the darkest valley of our lives. Thank you again dear Walter, for allowing Nani to be away for so very long...

I want to thank ALL my family, friends, neighbors, employers and co-workers for your never-ending expressions of love to David and me; we were, and I still am so very blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.

Today was mostly spent working in my office on very unpleasant business. Looking at David's death certificate was one of the hardest things to do, and made me literally sick inside. I cried and cried...

The house is completely empty tonight, the silence is deafening, and I feel so very, very alone. No more date nights, no more half a dozen calls a day just to tell me he loves me, no more emails, no more cards, no more flowers, no more hugs, no more conversations, no more anything from the man that loved me for so very long. I had no idea how lonely I would feel, and how much I could ache inside...

The journey that David and I were on has come to an end, and I will now begin my own journey... While I'm a little scared and apprehensive about my future, I feel a peace that I know comes only from God. It is most certainly a 'peace that passeth all understanding.'

My prayers are now, What would you have me do, Lord? Lead me on a path that gives You glory. Having been in the ministry (on the side) for most of my adult life, I've always loved to touch others in need, so I trust that God will guide my steps to do something worthy for His Kingdom. I know that God has a Master Plan, and that HE knew David and Eric would be leaving this world early, so I'm certain that He will use my experiences to somehow touch others...

I will be going back to work at Skyline Properties, resuming my Assistant Branch Manager position on February 16th. I will probably work 3/4 time for a while. My employer had some very kind and encouraging words for me today; thank you! And David's employer has continued to walk by my side and support me; thank you. You are truly the greatest employers!

So many of you have contacted me today, because you knew that Nani was leaving and I would feel the void. Thank you so much for your kindness! I have also received multiple invitations for the next month to some very fun events. I am so very appreciative for all of the wonderful offers; your hearts are so loving and kind, however, I'm not very good company right now, and you all know how I don't like to let anyone down. I feel the need to spend time with myself for a couple weeks, but will definitely welcome time together soon. Thank you for understanding.

I also wanted to mention that many of you have asked me to continue my blog, due to the fact that it would be nearly impossible to write to everyone individually, and so I will. And yes, I will also return to writing The Next Level very soon.

I want to thank EVERYONE who came to David's service. I purposely made it 'private' and small, because that's how David wanted it. AND... I couldn't bear to have just 'anyone' invading my personal life. That is also why I didn't, and won't submit an Obituary to the paper, if any of you are watching for it.

Thank you again for your continued love and friendship. I need you all, and am truly thankful that you are in my life.

With Much Love,
Linda

Press on toward the goal, press on toward the prize... Philippians 3:14

David Passed Away

Dearest Family & Friends,

David passed away tonight, January 14th at 10:35 PM. I will let you know when the Memorial Service will be.

Thank you all for prayers, love and support.

With Much Love,
Linda

Seek First The Kingdom Of God

Evergreen Hospice Center

Leo came to see his Dad - it's nice they let dogs visit.

Arriving here on January 7th, and taken to room 7 seemed weird to me, because the number 7 has always been David's favorite number, which makes me wonder if God will take David home on the 7th day...... Today is the 5th.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I've been asked by several people who know that I've also lost my 30-year-old son, if it's easier when a loved one goes instantly, or when you have time to say good-bye. That's a valid question, and my answer would be that neither is easier! Eric's death happened in an instant, and was a complete SHOCK! And David's is absolute TORTURE, because watching your husband of 30 years die before your very eyes, in a matter of months, is almost incomprehensible.

David's pain has been manageable until today. His stomach is quite large now, and the two huge tumors in his liver, and his portal vein are continuing to grow, so they have increased his meds once again. He is now on oxygen, and his voice is mostly a whisper. For the most part, he sleeps, and I watch him, which is a very sad existence for a once vibrantly healthy, active man! It's very hard to watch the transition, and I can't even allow my mind to process that soon David's presence will no longer be here.

Bless his heart, David is always still a gentleman, even as drugged as he is....when he burps he'll say, 'excuse me,' and...when he coughs, if I'm close by, he covers his mouth. The poor guy has been so trained by the 'germ freak' that I am, that even on his death bed, he has concerns about germs, and extremely good manners. One of his nurses told me the same thing about him - that he was such a gentleman.

It was David's wish for me to continue the blog about Our Journey, and he is still wanting us to take pictures and tell our story. So, please know that I am not continuing to take pictures without his consent, or tell part of our story without his approval.

I remember the words I wrote when Eric died so suddenly. "The stinging pain of the sudden death of an adult child made me 'forever changed." And now, as I walk a very slow 'death journey,' I am once again 'forever changed,' in an entirely different way, but somehow through all the pain and suffering, I know that God has a good work for me to do, and that He will use me, and my experiences for His Greater Glory.

With Love,
Linda



Edema in David's feet and legs is quite severe;
we need to move and prop them frequently.



The Love Of My Life...losing his battle with liver cancer.



Michelle comes to love on her Dad every single day.
David still wants to smile for the camera. God love him!



Jada visits frequently, loving Gramp with long, sweet hugs.



Gramp sweetly kissing Jada's forehead.



Gramp loving Jada - a lingering and loving hug...



Nani loving David
Giving him an hour massage on both his legs and arms every day.
What an ANGEL! Not only is Nani by my side 24/7, she brings love and joy to my husband by serving him in such a sweet way.



Nani's sister, Patty who is also my very good friend.
Praying with David, and staying with me
for the week-end helping and loving me.
True Angels.



Leo hangs out for HOURS at the Hospice Center with me; he's such a good dog.



A few things for David to enjoy:
Beautiful Flowers, Bears and Photos!

David To Hospice Center

Last Thoracentesis Procedure
December 29, 2008

Our Girls!
Stephanie, our daughter-in-law (Eric's wife), and Michelle, our daughter,
have been by our sides through this entire journey.

Nani, my best friend and Sister of My Heart
She is truly an Angel, walking hand-in-hand with me, every step of the way.

Dearest Family & Friends,

David has decided that he no longer wants the Thoracentesis Procedure, which drains the fluid from his chest cavity. The procedure is quite painful, takes a lot out of him, and is needed every 3-4 days; not to mention that there is a considerable amount of risk each time. As you can see from the above pictures, David looks very 'drained,' and is so weak that he's in a wheelchair, however he wanted us to take the pictures so we would have memories of possibly our last time together...

Since he will no longer be having this procedure, the lungs and chest will fill with fluid and at this point it is only a matter of approximately 3-10 days before he leaves this world, possibly 2 weeks at the most. The Hospice Nurse told me today that David will go quickly at this point...

I am still amazed at how brave David is, and how he never complains. As of today, David is confined to bed for the most part, because he is barely mobile, and is quite confused. However, he still hasn't completely detached from me, and is still moved when I tell him I love him, and always responds with a tearful, 'I love you too.'

I actually began writing this blog on Monday (it is now 2:30 AM on Wednesday). Since Monday, the situation and David's condition have worsened. Since choosing to not do the draining procedure, he is almost completely filled tonight, with the fluid pressing on his lungs and his breathing is quite labored. Knowing that he has chosen to not 'drain' again, keeps me very worried about having an emergency situation that I can't handle at home.

My main worry is that I don't want David in excruciating pain, which is why Hospice helps with this end of life process. Also, at this stage, with David (who is a larger man), and so heavy and slow from the painful edema, it's hard for him to move, or walk, and with me being much smaller than David it is very difficult to care for him, which is both a danger to him, and very hard on me. So, after talking to the Hospice nurse tonight, we will be transporting David via ambulance to the Hospice Center tomorrow, in the late afternoon.

Once again, my heart is breaking beyond belief, as we walk the last few steps of our journey. David will be given the best, comfortable care in the center, which I believe at this point will be best for him. I do NOT want him to suffer, and I am not a professional caregiver.

RECENT 'GOOD-BYES'
Once again I'd like to thank you for ALL your Acts of Kindness, which have been so very much appreciated, and have truly blessed our lives.

I would like to thank all of our family and friends who have come by recently to say their 'good-byes' to David, as hard as it was. Our precious grand daughters, Bianca and Jada came to love their Gramp with caring compassion, which was the hardest good-byes for me to witness.

A special thank you to Mark & Tracy and Paul & Marta who traveled quite a distance, not feeling well themselves, for such a short visit. And to David's cousins: Tom & Henk, who traveled from London, and Peter & Saundra from California. Also, thank you to Charles & Christine, Chris Ladines, Dave Anderson, Neill Ainslie, Brett & Nancy Olson. Thank you so very much for taking time out of your busy lives to make the journey all the way out here to our home to love on our precious David.

A HUGE thank you to Nani for coming last week from Minnesota to stay with us, and for working around the clock to care for David with me, which is not an easy task. She has also been making lists for me, and helping me to prepare for the memorial service. And thank you Walt, for allowing your wife to come stay with me for such a long time, while you're in Minnesota; so far away from your love of 34 years!

David's Aunt Marta is here tonight; sleeping downstairs with David so I can get a good night's sleep. Nani took a night off, and will be back later today.

In the midst of this horrific tragedy I have been blessed beyond what I ever could have imagined by loving, caring people surrounding me with support; from family and friends to neighbors and co-workers!

God does send many Angels into our lives, and I am so grateful, humbled and honored by all who have been sent to us.

David and I have both been blessed by our employers: Skyline Properties and Park Avenue Construction, who have stood by our sides through this entire journey; and like I said before, companies are not like that in this day and age. So thank you: Pete & Ron, and Charles & Christine for your continued support.

I've been asked by many of you that when we come to this part of the journey if I would please just write a little something each night to keep everyone updated. I will most certainly try; it's also good for me.

Please don't ever forget what a precious GIFT that each of our lives are.
Make every day a 'date night!' Love your spouses with ALL your heart!
Go out of your way to touch a life every single day, because we never know what tomorrow will bring.

Thank you for loving us.

We Love You,
Linda & David

Seek First The Kingdom Of God

New Years Eve 2008

Happy New Year!

Dear Family & Friends,

One of David's goals was to see the new year, and God love him - he did! Thank you all for your kind visits and calls, along with your MANY Acts Of Kindness. Sadly, at this point, David doesn't have much energy and is confined to bed for the most part, so now visits are restricted to family only.

The Hospice nurse came for the first time today, and her assessment wasn't good, but unfortunately it was exactly what I thought it would be. She told me that David might have two weeks left. How does a person process such a statement, let alone continue to watch the love of your life die before your very eyes?

At this point, we have decided to keep David loved and happy, and unaware of how quickly the end may come. Please respect our wishes in your emails or phone conversations with David. He still does check his email periodically, but answers his cell very rarely now. (Thank you)

So, tonight I write only briefly to share where we are, because the pain of it all has settled into the very core of my being, and my soul is quite weary.

God is my strength and my refuge; and I thank Him for the many precious people who have helped us through this darkest valley of our lives.

With Love,
Linda

Michelle by our side, and lovin' her Dad!

My Best Friend and Sister of My Heart, Nani arrived from Minnesota on Monday. She is an 'End of Life' Counselor. How very blessed we are to have such an Angel in our midst.

CELEBRATION!

We made it to 2009!



Enjoying the moment!

David and Nani - crazy kids having fun!

Leo is not QUITE sure what to think!!!

Seek First The Kingdom Of God

December 26, 2008

Christmas Eve 2008

Dear Family & Friends,

Today David went in for another Thoracentesis, which is the formal term for the draining procedure. The doctor had also ordered a blood transfusion, but his numbers were still in the safe zone, so thankfully a transfusion wasn't needed.

There were approximately two liters of fluid in his chest cavity, crushing his right lung. Due to the lung being decompressed for so long, as the fluid was being drained it was so painful that the procedure was stopped. It was all I could do to watch David in that much pain, and at first I wanted to push the doctor out of the way, and pull the needle out of his back myself, but obviously that wouldn't be smart, and was my immediate gut reaction to seeing such pain on my husband's face.

However......I kept telling the doctor to stop, because David was looking at me like, 'make it stop!' Finally, the doctor believed me, and pulled the catheter out of his back. I have requested that the OTHER doctor do David's procedures from here on out; I won't let that guy touch David again! So, one liter was all we could successfully drain, leaving over another one in his chest. I immediately called David's oncologist, requesting an appointment for Monday. Due to the cancer that is also in the lung, this is quite normal (unfortunately), and if we don't have the procedure done soon enough, David's lung can collapse.

He is in a lot of pain, drifting in and out, and moaning, which is so not like David. Of course, nothing he does, is 'like David' anymore. We are at a point in the journey where our worlds are becoming separated; David's mind is consumed with his pain, comfort, and sleep, while mine is consumed with making sure that he is taken care of, comfortable and as happy as he can be.

Today is the first time I experienced that kind of pain on David's face, and in his eyes. When the tears finally started rolling down his cheeks, it was all I could do to keep mine in check. Being 'strong' for your spouse when they're in that kind of pain is one of the most challenging tasks ever. God never leaves our side, even through these horrifying moments; I'm a witness to that fact, because I could never do this on my own...

I would like to thank Sean Rierson, a very kind, caring man (and friend) for driving us to Evergreen Hospital today, AND driving all the way back to pick us up! The hospital is not close to our home anymore, so Sean's act of kindness was very much appreciated.

There are some good, loving, caring people in this world, and we happen to have many of them right here, as our neighbors and friends! How truly blessed we are.

Thank you to Ryan Rasar for shoveling our driveway AGAIN! Also another kind and caring man.

And last but not least, thank you to the MANY who dropped off surprises on our doorstep for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day! Thank you Dave Riffe for bringing Kristin's DELICIOUS cookies and candy, and for taking the time to visit with us on Christmas Eve! Bruce & Joan Lavers for dropping off a beautiful candle! The Jonas' for the lovely white Poinsettia! And then there were some gifts that were left without names.

Thank you ALL from the bottom of our hearts,
for your rare, loving kindness!

With Love,
Linda

Seek First The Kingdom Of God

Trip To The Hospital

December 19, 2008

Here we are waiting for David's appointment at Evergreen Hospital. I take every chance I can to get a picture with him, as I never know when the time will come when photo ops are not an option.

The doctor drained over 2 liters this time, and said that this condition could continue to happen every few days, or so! :( Last night David was in a LOT of pain, which scared me; we haven't experienced that before. I was praying over him, and we were both in tears. I called Michelle, and she FLEW over here to spend the night with us. We thank God for our daughter's love and support.

After David took some pain pills, he was better. All three of us watched a movie to keep our minds occupied; Meet The Parents, which of course, is a funny movie, and medicine we all needed for sure.

The edema in David's feet continues to worsen, and he pretty much stays in his recliner for the most part.

At this point, I feel like I'm having an 'out of body' experience, as it has gone past a painful and surreal feeling to one that is scary, heart-wrenching and numbing...

As always, thank you all for your constant outpouring of love, support and prayers.

With Much Love,
Linda

P.S. We don't know which ANGEL to thank for shoveling the entire driveway and walkway! Thank you very much!

AND... a HUGE thank you to our friends, Sean Rierson for taking us to Evergreen Hospital yesterday, and to Dawn-Marie for picking us up in their 'snow rigs!'